


Gone

by lime_lime_4



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Bad Ending, Gen, Jasper dies, Jasper is shattered, Steven's mental state worsens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:07:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23254450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lime_lime_4/pseuds/lime_lime_4
Summary: Steven sprints to the bathroom in a last-ditch attempt to save Jasper. But it doesn't work, and now he has to deal with the fallout.Diverges from the ending of "Fragments."
Comments: 35
Kudos: 326





	1. Remnants

Steven ran as fast as any human could conceivably run. The howling wind seemed to carry the deluge straight against Steven’s body as he pushed forward to the only place he could take… take…

Jasper. The blood roaring in his ears sped up as he thought her name to himself. Jasper, the war-hardened combatant who cracked open his skull and tried to drag him to a foreign planet in a cage. The ex-soldier who, after spending months trapped at the bottom of the ocean in an abusive fusion, tried to hurt his three living maternal figures again. The vagrant who stubbornly refused any help that he offered her.

Steven slipped as his shoe caught on a gnarled branch, and as he fell face down into a ditch his hand unfurled to let the corpse of his mentor splay out in front of him. He cringed in shock and briefly considered lying in the mud forever. But the moment passed, and Steven moved to pick up the pieces.

A small part of Steven’s mind couldn’t help but find a bitter hint of irony in this situation. Years of searching for his identity, of trying desperately to disentangle himself his mother, until he finally discovered that he was entirely himself. And all it took was for half his soul to be ripped out of his body. Rose Quartz, a nurturing soul who fought for freedom and adored all walks of life. Pink Diamond, the progeny of a dictatorship who threw away her family to escape to her doomed colony. Both of them his mother, who would leave the weight of such a legacy on an infant. Once Steven’s identity was wrestled free of his mother’s countless lies, he could finally discover his own person. But what did that make him?

 _A murderer. Someone who kills one of the only people they have left because of a power trip._ Steven felt a few hot tears slip down his face. He picked up the largest fragment. _Even mom wouldn’t have shattered someone who was only trying to help her._

Hands shaking uncontrollably, Steven pushed through the mud to find the remaining fragments of Jasper. He made sure that he had all the pieces by fitting them together. Steven forced himself to ignore the fact that the gem had lost the faint internal light that all gems possessed. (Simply put, it looked dead.) Shoving the shards into his pocket, he hoisted himself up and continued to run.

As Steven approached the temple, the pit in his stomach somehow sank lower. What would the gems say? He knew how Garnet would react. Ruby and Sapphire hated Blue Diamond for being a shatterer, refusing to trust her for many months after the diamonds claimed to be Steven’s allies. Pearl was scarred out of shapeshifting for several millennia after pretending to shatter his mom. And Amethyst… well, she could distinguish right from wrong. No gem in their right mind wouldn’t be afraid of what him for what he did. Steven’s thoughts turned to Bismuth as he ran up the steps.

 _“Then you really are better than her,” Bismuth croaked._ His hands clenched around Jasper’s gem with the same force that he used to keep his sword steady through Bismuth’s chest. And it stung more now that he knew her better. _I’ve always told myself that I would’ve died if I hadn’t pushed back. But Bismuth’s a good person. She was always looking out for us. If 14-year old me could do something like that to someone like her, then maybe I’ve always been this fucked up._

A bolt of lightning ripped apart the sky and jolted Steven back to reality as he flung open the door. Just as he’d feared, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl were gathered in the living room. He tried to steady his breath as he kept his eyes pointed squarely ahead, heart beating faster as he ran. The three jolted up at his reappearance. Pearl and Amethyst shouted after him as he slid into the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

He twisted the dials over his bathtub as far as they could go. _Please let this work._ Steven reached to the mirror above his sink, grateful that the bathroom was too dark for him to clearly make out his reflection. _Please work._ He threw the cupboard open. Three bottles— _gifts from the only family I might have left—_ were snatched off their pedestal and haphazardly dumped into the bathtub. _Please work._

Steven didn’t bother trying to slow his breath again. Hyperventilating, he withdrew the shards from his pocket and braced himself to look at Jasper’s remains once more. Her gem’s brilliant orange glimmer was replaced by a matte off-yellow. _Please work._ Steven steadied his hand and put Jasper back together once more, and after clenching his hand to keep the fragments steady he submerged her.

Just one more traumatic event. _I can deal with this, Jasper will come back and everything will be okay, just one more chance and I can apologize and fix everything again, so please, PLEASE, Jasper…_

He didn’t realize that he was muttering to himself as he cried into the bathtub. The pink essence from his tears swirled into the white, blue, and yellow trails as the colors dissociated and diffused into each other. Steven slightly relaxed his grip and felt the water flow through his fingers—through Jasper—and waited with bated breath. _Please work._ The mantra in his head repeated incessantly. _Please work._

But nothing happened. The familiar glow of a gem healing or regenerating its form was absent. Steven steeled himself and slowly opened his palm, hoping above all hope that Jasper would be intact, that she was just confused and wasn’t ready to come back after suffering such severe physical trauma by his hand. Instead, he watched Jasper’s dull fragments fall apart in the water and slowly drift to the surface.

 _Oh my God. I actually killed someone._ Steven stumbled backwards and the blood rushed back into his face. _I’m actually a murderer. Jasper’s gone and she’s not coming back._ Time slowed and all the air he gulped down didn’t seem to be enough. _I’ll never get to talk to her again or see her smile or drop by and see if everything’s alright._ The banging and shouting from outside fuzzed out into static as his vision blurred with both tears and anxiety.

Steven was so consumed in his panic that he doesn’t notice that Amethyst’s shapeshifted arm had slithered under the door and reached up to turn the handle. Light flooded into the bathroom and the three Crystal Gems rushed to him.

“Steven!” Pearl cried out on the verge of tears as she gripped his arm. “We were so worried about you. Where have you been?”

“You can’t just disappear like that, especially with how you’ve been acting lately,” Garnet said, dropping her visor and crouching to Steven’s level. “I’m sorry for pushing you earlier. I didn’t realize how much you were hurting.”

“Garnet’s right,” Pearl continued. “We’re sorry, Steven. It’s just that you haven’t been talking to as much recently and we were worried for your safety.” She buried her head into his sleeve.

When Steven jerked his head up to meet Garnet’s eyes, she suddenly realized that something was very wrong. She couldn’t tell if there was too much or too little in Steven’s eyes, and she noticed that the four of them were crouching in a puddle of water, and that the puddle of water gleamed iridescent colors as it overflowed from the bathtub, and that Amethyst hadn’t said a word. Garnet ran through a thousand possible futures, none of which lead to this moment in the bathroom.

“What is… who is… is that…” Amethyst tried to say. Her eyes snapped to Steven who, after looking toward Amethyst after she started to speak, could only respond by averting his gaze once more.

Amethyst gingerly reached forward—she refused to believe what she saw unless she could feel it—and stroked her hand through the water. Her hand lifted something unnaturally splintered and jagged. She leaned forward and, upon closer inspection, gasped and immediately dropped the fragment of her dead sister back into the water. She looked to Steven again for answers.

“What is that?” Garnet demanded. She had to know what was going on so she could help Steven.

“J-jasper,” Amethyst finally choked out. “It’s Jasper! Someone killed Jasper!”

Pearl lifted her head from Steven’s shoulder after hearing Amethyst. “Jasper was shattered?” She grew even more concerned about Steven. Someone so young shouldn’t have to witness something so horrid. “Oh. My. Stars. How could something like this happen?”

“Steven. You have to tell us what happened. Who did this? Where are they?” Garnet said urgently, ignoring her better judgement to just leave Steven alone.

“C’mon Steven, we just want to help you!” Amethyst said with a ring of desperation in her voice. She swallowed her fear. “Whoever… whatever did this… they’re going to pay!”

Steven couldn’t take it anymore. He was being ripped apart by the fear of being hated by the three he loved so dearly and the fear of destroying them as he destroyed Jasper by trying to push them away. Hands were tugging him from all directions, three different shouts melding together to drill his immense guilt deeper into his being. He just couldn’t do it anymore, and as he dropped to the floor his body responded the only way he knew how.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHH!” Steven screamed all too hoarsely.

The three gems flinched as Steven screamed. But it wasn’t a diamond scream interlaced with destructive power. It was a human scream. The kind of scream that almost sounded like a whine, that communicated the kind of raw, visceral pain that someone experiences as a part of their spirit is slowly crushed to death. Steven legs trembled as he tried to escape only for him to stay in place.

“I DID IT! I KILLED JASPER!” Steven said between panicked gasps of air. “I DID IT BECAUSE I’M A HORRIBLE PERSON AND IT’S ALL MY FAULT THAT SHE’S DEAD!”

“Y-you—” Pearl started. Several strangled noises escaped her throat as she tried to process what he just said. If gems needed to breathe, Pearl would have passed out by now.

Garnet was completely frozen. Ruby and Sapphire didn’t want to weather this alone but also couldn’t handle being together. They couldn’t have heard correctly. This couldn’t be real.

Amethyst shook off Steven’s words and jumped forward to embrace him. “I don’t care what happened, man! We just need to relax. It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay,” Amethyst started to repeat.

But Steven lurched upright and shoved Amethyst away, both instinctively in self-defense and in disgust at himself for daring to deserve such kindness. A new disturbing thought popped into Steven’s head. He had come close to murdering his own father just three days before when the same kind of anger that he felt at Jasper clouded his mind and made him lose control of the van. If he had the capacity to kill his father, how would the gems be safe? A meager burst of energy found its way into his legs as he quickly dragged himself upright and started toward the exit.

“N-no…” Steven said in a voice barely above a whisper. “Stay away from me…”

This seemed to bring Pearl out of her stupor. She refused to understand what was happening but she knew that she would not let him out of her sight again. She lunged forward and grabbed Steven, crying out to him in a plea for him to stay.

“Steven! You can’t just leave us like that again,” Pearl said. “I have no idea what’s going on but we have to stick together. Everyone wants to help you. Aren’t we your family?”

 _Family._ Steven thought to himself as lied on the floor, once again too weak to move. His quick breaths and subsequent lack of oxygen were taking a toll on his body. _Someone like me would really kill their family. I guess I really am worse than my mom._ And he was out like a light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Steven revealed Jasper's broken gem, I can't be the only one who thought of the scene in the End of Evangelion where Shinji stared at his hand in the hospital. ("I'm so fucked up.")


	2. Fallout

Amethyst and Pearl sat deep inside the temple next to Steven’s unconscious body. Garnet had left a few minutes after the three finished restraining him (“Guys, he’s part diamond! I don’t know if this’ll work!” Amethyst said) to alert Connie and Greg. After Steven had collapsed, the three quickly made the unanimous decision to bring him where it would be difficult for him to vanish again. They couldn’t afford to let him leave without more answers—answers that the two humans closest to him also deserved to have.

Pearl was curled in the fetal position. As she sat on the ground, she would occasionally shift her arm off her knee as if she was trying to reach out to Steven, only to pause and suddenly withdraw her movements. Amethyst sat across from her, unknowingly clenching and unclenching her fists repeatedly. A heavy silence weighed over the two until Amethyst finally exploded in frustration.

“I don’t get it!” Amethyst said as she threw up her arms. “Steven must’ve gotten his head messed up or something. He can’t be remembering things right.”

“Amethyst…” Pearl began. She stopped herself, not knowing what to say.

“Sure, he’s been a weirdo lately but he’s not a psychopath! Who knows what kind of trouble Jasper gets herself into! He should’ve stayed out of it,” Amethyst fumed.

“I know!” Pearl snapped. She instantly regretted raising her voice as purple gem froze. “I’m sorry, Amethyst. I just… I know it’s silly but what if he was telling the truth?” Tears threatened to well up in her eyes again.

Amethyst’s guts churned. She knew that they were thinking the same thing: Jasper was strong. She wasn’t poofed after being defeated by Garnet or by crash landing from near-Earth orbit. She tanked beatings from several more fusions, only being taken out by a giant thorn to the chest while corrupted. What incredible force could possibly shatter Jasper other than the strength of a diamond? But Steven was a healer—a protector—and he never lashed out with that kind of strength. (Except recently, of course, but he was just in a bad mood. He would have talked to them if he was facing any prolonged issues.)

“Don’t you have faith in him?” Amethyst replied after a moment of hesitation. She still refused to believe but the indignant strength had left her voice.

They were cut short by the sound of brisk footsteps echoing from the only entrance. Garnet and Connie appeared at the mouth of the room first, their features etched with concern. Greg trailed behind the two but was not far off. Drenched, the two humans caught their breath as Garnet jumped to the center of the room where Steven lied.

“He hasn’t woken up yet?” Garnet questioned.

“No, he hasn’t moved at all!” Pearl said. “I don’t think humans are supposed to pass out for this long. It’s almost been half an hour!”

“Jesus Christ, he’s been out for almost thirty minutes?” Greg exclaimed. He sprinted over to Steven despite his exhaustion. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Have you tried waking him up?” Garnet pressed more urgently, ignoring Greg.

“Yeah, we’ve tried everything!” Amethyst said. “I even turned my hand into a speakerphone and yelled at him.”

“Yes, and she definitely would’ve been able to wake up all of Beach City if we were outside,” Pearl said with a hint exasperation.

Meanwhile, Connie marveled at the room as she stood at the entrance. Steven had told her about the inner workings of the Crystal Temple in the past, even letting her into Rose’s room once, but seeing it with her own eyes was an entirely different experience. The chamber was similar to the one where all the corrupted gems were kept, except this room was used to store various magical artifacts. Rows of spinning shelves were fitted to the vast cylindrical walls. Decorative stones lined the tiles on the floor and crawled up the sides of each cubby to join at the massive red crystal hanging off the ceiling. The crystal somehow bathed the shelves with warm light without leaving shadows.

Her heart leapt at the powerful aura that seemed to emanate from the room. But it immediately sank back into her chest as her eyes drifted over Steven’s still form. He was wrapped in what looked like a web? A net? The net appeared to be comprised of strands of white hot electricity braided together. The hair on the back of her neck stood up as she could almost feel the intensity of the crackling electricity from her side of the room. Connie pushed aside her unease and made her way to Steven.

“Guys!” Greg yelled, interrupting the three gems. “Can somebody please tell me what’s going on? Why’s Steven all tied up? How did this happen in the first place?”

“Is he sick?” Connie said. “My mom’s a doctor. She can help him if this is a human problem!”

“We don’t know!” Pearl said. “None of us really understands what’s going on, either.”

“How could you not know! Garnet told me you guys were there when it happened!” Greg said, increasingly frantic. The wrinkles on his forehead seemed to deepen.

The Crystal Gems winced. The three exchanged glances and, after an incredibly fast game of not-it, Pearl sighed responded to Greg.

“Do you remember Jasper?” Pearl asked. Upon noticing Connie and Greg’s confusion, Pearl continued. “The large, orange one with a gem on her nose.”

“Right, I think Stevonnie took her out on the beach before,” Connie recalled. “She said she wanted to make an army out of corrupted gems.”

“Yes, that was her,” Pearl said.

“Steven’s told me things but I’ve never seen her myself,” Greg said. He grew more anxious. “She didn’t seem very nice. What does she have to do with this?”

“And you must know about what happens when gems are damaged, right?” Pearl said grimly. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat.

“Did Steven’s gem crack? Can’t we just use the fountain like you guys did with Amethyst?” Connie suggested, remembering her picnic with Steven by the lighthouse.

“Well… it’s not Steven’s gem that was damaged,” Pearl said. She swallowed again, but the lump refused to clear. “Jasper was… She was…”

“Shattered. Jasper’s gem was destroyed,” Garnet finished. She wanted to get this over with. “And Steven told us that he was responsible.”

“There’s no way to heal that kind of damage,” Pearl said. “We found him in the bathroom and—stars, he must have been so upset—he was trying to bring her back.”

“But we aren’t really sure what happened or if he really did it,” Amethyst hastily added on. “Jasper’s really strong. Steven’s great and all, and his mom was a diamond, but I don’t think he’d be able to… do something like that. He’s only half diamond, and he’s never trained to hurt people.”

“T-then why can’t he wake up?” Greg stammered. The whole situation was somehow making less sense.

“Like I said, we don’t know!” Pearl insisted. “He screamed and we think he fainted because he was scared!”

Connie stopped as memories of Homeworld, of Steven getting his gem ripped out of his stomach and White Diamond discarding his organic body, flooded back to her. The eldritch shout emitted by Steven’s gem was permanently etched into her brain, as were memories of it collapsing White Diamond by simply releasing its shield. She understood at that moment the full potential of the diamonds. If whatever that thing was wasn’t so focused on getting back to its body, she guessed that it would have obliterated the terrifying monarch.

What Amethyst had said about Steven not having destructive power made no sense to her. Weren’t they there when it happened? Connie felt sick. Steven had told her about Volleyball losing her memories, and she was controlled the same way the three gems were. Things were starting to make sense in a way that she didn’t want them to. If nobody but her knew about Steven’s gem, did he not tell them? Did him not waking up have to do with his gem? He wasn’t in the best place mentally the last time they saw each other, and if by chance he couldn’t talk to his dad either... Connie took a deep breath and readied herself to speak amongst the chaos.

“I think… I think that Steven could have done it,” Connie said quietly.

The room abruptly feel silent as all eyes instantly snapped to Connie. She cowered back but forced herself to elaborate.

“What Amethyst said about Steven not having the capacity to do something like that. Did Steven ever tell you guys exactly what happened while White Diamond took you guys out?” Connie asked.

“No,” Amethyst said cautiously. She didn’t know if she wanted to yell at Connie to stop or grab her by the shoulders and demand everything she had.

“The room was a mess when we came back,” Pearl continued apprehensively. “White Diamond really did a number on her ship, but he never seemed to want to talk about it so we didn’t ask.”

“It wasn’t White Diamond that did that,” Connie corrected glumly. “It was Steven.”

The gems were bewildered. Steven had told them that they had “gotten through” to White Diamond, i.e. peacefully talked things out with her because Steven didn’t use force unless it was in self-defense.

“No way. We all know Steven,” Pearl protested. Connie had no reason to lie but Pearl couldn’t believe her. “Messing up White’s ship like that wouldn’t have solved anything. And she looked embarrassed when we woke up. She must’ve been mad at herself for destroying her ship!”

“Sorry, I meant Steven’s gem,” Connie clarified.

“The hell is that supposed to mean?” Amethyst interjected.

“White Diamond kind of, uh, picked up Steven and pulled his gem out of his body?” Connie said. She mentally prepared herself for the onslaught of questions.

Amethyst choked on thin air. Pearl let out a strange bastardization of a wheeze, a whimper, and a sob. Greg, having not been to Homeworld at all, was left even more confused. First they tell him that his son was a murderer, and now his gem was temporarily extracted by the queen of all space dictators? He willed himself not to collapse as he began to feel light-headed. He wanted to ask a million questions but found himself unable to speak. Garnet stepped forward, quelling her internal uproar of emotions one last time.

“So Rose came back and nobody told us?” Garnet’s voice cracked. Ruby and Sapphire were on the verge of pulling apart.

“No! No,” Connie instantly replied. “Not his mom. It was just Steven. More like half of Steven. We never really figured out what it was.” She tried to douse their fears but only fanned the flames.

“Half of Steven,” Garnet repeated flatly, no doubt expressing the thoughts of Greg and the other gems. “Half.”

“I guess it’s weird when you put it that way. Maybe that’s not right, then. No, I think it was half. I don’t really know,” Connie vacillated.

“You can’t just say that!” Amethyst burst out. “What happened to the rest of him?”

“White Diamond, well, dropped it because she didn’t think she needed it?” Connie said, growing more uncomfortable. She mentally chided herself for explaining things so poorly.

Amethyst could only respond with a vacant stare. Pearl’s knees buckled as Greg somehow managed a noise laced with more anguish than she squeaked out less than a minute earlier. Garnet, finally at her limit, turned around and briskly strided back out the entrance as she muttered something about Steven being a fusion to herself. Connie felt her self-consciousness suddenly skyrocket. She became acutely aware of the fact that, against all logic, she was somehow the only person in the room with a hint of understanding. She shifted in place for a few moments before focusing her gaze back on Steven, who lied as still as a corpse.

“I guess that means that this might be a problem with his gem?” Connie sheepishly mused to herself.


	3. Digging Deeper

Ruby and Sapphire had unfused the moment they reached the room that used to house the corrupted gems. Sapphire sat at the edge of the lava pool as Ruby burned circular tracks around her. Garnet had already been struggling to keep it together since she heard Steven scream in the bathroom. His voice, raw with grief, had simultaneously triggered the desire to hold him close and compulsion to run as far as she could. The latter had won out after Connie had told her enough for her to figure out what the root of his suffering was. Or at least one reason why he might have been so upset as of late.

“We were right all along!” Ruby said breathlessly. “Steven is a fusion. Can you believe that? A fusion!”

“I had the hunch but I never foresaw us knowing for sure,” Sapphire pondered with a downtrodden expression.

They always openly welcomed new— _healthy—_ fusions to their family, especially as Garnet. However, the new information regarding Steven blew open a barrel of enormous, writhing worms that seemed impossible to peel away from each other.

“Steven’s a fusion and nobody told us sooner! Can you believe that?” Ruby seethed, growing more and more incoherent. “No wonder he’s been so angry! White Diamond woke up whatever he’s been fused to but he has—oh, but he isn’t fused to Rose. Rose is dead! She could’ve at least more carefully explained what she was going to before leaving us for good!”

“I should have noticed sooner,” Sapphire quietly said. This seemed to grab Ruby’s attention.

“Sapphy, don’t blame this on yourself. I also have future vision as Garnet but she didn’t see anything,” Ruby cooled somewhat. Her temper almost immediately flared again as she remembered her rant. “We could’ve helped him sooner! Out of all of us, Garnet would’ve been able to understand him and help him.”

“Our poor Steven… He’s been hurting so much lately. He’s only half human,” Sapphire started.

Ruby finished Sapphire’s thoughts. “That’s the issue! He doesn’t have the choice of unfusing if things get bad because he’ll die! And what does that make his gem? Half gem? But gems don’t need human parts to live! So what if it just ups and leaves one day?”

“How did Rose manage to obliterate herself so thoroughly?” Sapphire continued to lament.

“Who knows!” Ruby stormed, shouting more of an exclamation than a question. “She didn’t tell us anything about this! And now the bits that she left behind are bullying Steven and getting him to hurt other gems! Steven wouldn’t have done this. Rose wouldn’t have done this.”

“That doesn’t matter anymore,” Sapphire finally resolved. She couldn’t let herself get lost in thought at a time like this. “We’ve learned how we can help Steven manage this.”

“He needs Garnet!” Ruby agreed with urgent fervor. “What are we even doing here? We have to get back as fast as we can, before he wakes up!”

Sapphire nodded at Ruby, walking toward her. With a quick twirl and a flash of light, Garnet returned with a renewed sense of purpose. Garnet saw a bubble materialize relatively low to the ground before she could leave. Although she instantly knew what was in it, the gem inside of it was so well put together that she almost believed that Jasper had miraculously come back. But as she approached the lone bubble, the numerous deep fissures on the contained gem and its flat, opaque appearance made her discard that thought.

Garnet lingered in the room, racking her mind to think of any possible way to reverse the damage that had been done to Jasper. Anything to bring Steven some peace of mind when he woke up. But she could think of no way to bring back a shattered gem other than the direct interference of the Diamonds, who she adamantly refused to have any relationship with for the past two years. She couldn’t see Jasper coming back in the near future. Then again, if was hard for her to see anything clearly given that they had gone down such an unlikely potential future. The murkiness of her future vision added to her growing unease.

She recognized that the color of the bubble belonged to Pearl and felt guilty for leaving her and Amethyst behind with Connie and Greg. As she made her way back to the room that housed Steven, her thoughts turned to the observation Sapphire had made about Rose’s death. Even after shattering, the clustered gems remembered traces of their old identities. She could pick out the individual cries of her friends in each shard, and equally remembered the existential pain each one of them was in as they tried to pull apart. What sinister process could Rose have pulled off to irretrievably vanish herself from existence? How could she justify subjecting her son to such a fate?

* * *

Pearl had sensed Amethyst’s relief when she offered to clean up the bathroom. Not to say that she was excited at the prospect of scooping gem shards into a bubble. Quite the opposite, in fact, given that Rose had conspired with her to fake the diamond’s shattering. Pearl remembered the flash of terror she had felt upon seeing the pink mock-up shards lying in the grass. Even if Rose was never in any real danger of dying—a diamond certainly couldn’t be killed by the mere swipe of a sword—for a brief instant her mind had seriously entertained the idea that Rose was gone for good. That alone was enough to discourage her from shapeshifting. Rose’s actual death had solidified her trauma.

Pearl knew that three years ago, she would not have had the strength to clean up the remains of a shattered gem. It wasn’t an act she wished on her worst enemy. Nonetheless, someone had to do it, and Pearl was glad that she would be the one to do it out of the three Crystal Gems. Garnet wouldn’t have enjoyed reliving the experience of picking up her clustered former allies and Amethyst, though not close to Jasper, still thought of the orange gem as an estranged sibling.

It was one thing to tell herself that she could do it and another to actually get the job done. She chewed on her lip as she ran her thumb over the door knob. Pearl had been standing at the door to the bathroom for a few minutes, slowly gathering the nerve to step inside. She let out an extended sigh of exasperation at herself and forced herself to turn the handle. _It’s not like I’ll ever be ready for something like this._ Her other hand reached in ahead of her and found the light switch.

After an extra second of hesitation, Pearl peered into the bathroom. _Well, I’m glad that I remembered to turn off the water,_ Pearl thought to herself. Thankfully, the rug had soaked up most of the water. The overflow was restricted to a small, glimmering puddle at the edge of the bathtub. For a moment, Pearl wondered if there was a way to salvage the diamond essence from the rug, but opted instead to collect water from the tub. She would just have to remember to grab a few jars from the kitchen.

Before she could clean up the water, she had to address the elephant in the room. Namely the risk of losing bits of Jasper in the sewage if she drained the tub without making sure that she had the full set. Pearl felt herself tense as she kneeled in front of the bathtub. _That’s a rather gruesome way of thinking about it. A shattered gem is a functioning individual the same way a dead organic is. In that they’re not anymore._

The largest piece floated straight ahead of her in the stagnant water. Pearl flinched away as she brushed against the fragment, but she pushed through her apprehension and picked it up. She drew it toward herself for a closer look. _So this is really it._ _The clustering experiments were the closest I’ve ever come to shattered gems, but Garnet did most of the clean up then. She wanted to keep us away from them._ She combed the water with her fingers as she searched for the rest of the shards.

Pearl marveled at the accumulating fragments of Jasper with equal parts disgust and morbid fascination. Looking at Jasper’s remains was akin to a medical student autopsying their first intact corpse. She had seen bits and pieces before. Hearing news of executions on Homeworld, fatal injuries during the Gem War, and more recently the Cluster. _But even clustered gems have some degree of consciousness, or at least enough to feel pain and understand that they’re missing most of themselves_. _Does Jasper also feel that pain, even if she can’t reform?_ Pearl shuddered as a smaller shard caught on her fingers. If a piece of Jasper was carelessly discarded, would she feel herself endlessly stretching and tearing as a part of her soul was permanently lost in the abyss? Maybe each piece had a memory of who she once was, all without hope of ever being complete again. Or maybe all of her was there at once, able to feel herself squared up and packaged inside each inert capsule.

As Pearl tried to push aside these intrusive thoughts, increasingly disturbing ones wormed their way into her mind. _Connie told us that Steven’s gem was the one who destroyed White Diamond’s ship. When Amethyst and I asked her more about what happened, she almost sounded scared of it._ Connie had recounted the destructive screaming. The utter lack of emotion. _I always thought that Rose’s gem was asleep inside of Steven. But if she really is gone, what’s left inside of her gem? What’s inside of Steven?_

She shook her head, refusing to ruminate in the bathroom any longer. Bubbling the fragments and sending them deep inside the temple, Pearl cleaned up the puddle on the floor with one of the towels hanging across from the sink. She would have to leave it outside with the rug to dry when the rain stopped, but for now she hung them both on the rack. Pearl exited into the kitchen.

* * *

Amethyst, Connie, and Greg sat in awkward silence. Amethyst’s frantic anger had morphed into hysteria, but after seeing the panicked looks of the other two in the room, she made herself sit down and swallow all the emotions that threatened to spill out of her. Now, she looked absolutely miserable and dead inside all at once. Greg was sitting in a similar position to Amethyst. It was difficult to see his face as he held his head in his hands, but he seemed to have aged an entire decade since Garnet had left. Connie squirmed in place as her eyes rapidly flicked to Steven, then to Greg, then to Amethyst and back to Steven multiple times. The hybrid hadn’t moved a muscle since he was restrained.

“Can I… can I touch him?” Greg nervously asked, lifting his head and inching toward his son.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea, my dude,” Amethyst responded dully. “That net’s designed to hurt if you move around too much. And waking him up with pain sounds kinda mean.”

“Oh. Okay then,” Greg said, somewhat dejected. His eyes fell to the ground again.

Time grinded to a halt as the silence threatened to strangle them. Connie swore that she could hear the Crystal Heart slowly beat from the depths of the Temple. The muted hum of the net and spurious crackles of electricity magnified exponentially, but Steven himself remained silent. Connie, having realized something important, pounced on the opportunity to speak.

“Amethyst, do you remember the last time he’s eaten?” Connie asked.

“No, but now that you mention it we should probably have something ready for him, right?” Amethyst followed Connie’s train of thought.

“He’s been gone for days. Who knows the last time he’s had a nice meal and a drink?” Greg said. He smiled at Connie but it didn’t quite reach his tired eyes. “I know what he likes. Can you come help me carry the stuff back down?”

“Sure thing. It’d probably be faster that way. Amethyst, are you okay with staying here alone for a few minutes?” Connie asked.

“Why not?” Amethyst said. “I don’t see how a few more minutes’ll make a difference.”

With that, Connie and Greg left Amethyst alone with Steven. The deafening silence returned in full force, and without the company of other people to reduce its severity, Amethyst restlessly kicked her legs in place. After a few seconds of deliberation, she moved herself right next to his sleeping form. Throwing another glance at him, she started to speak.

“What’s taking you so long? Why won’t you wake up?” Amethyst slowly began. She cringed at the sound of her own voice. “Ugh, why does talking to myself have to feel so weird?”

She sat in quiet for another moment before speaking again. He was unconscious; the only one to judge her for her awkwardness was herself.

“Steven, you’re like a brother to me. You’re the one who taught me what that means. I haven’t talked to you at all since you’ve been gone lately. And now that Jasper’s also gone, I feel like I’ve lost two of my family."

Amethyst gained momentum as she spoke. “I know it’s dumb for me to care about Jasper so much since she was never that nice to me. She was never that nice to you, either. So why did you go to her? You’ve tried talking to her before, but she didn’t want your help. So were you the one trying to get help? Why didn’t you come to me instead?"

She ripped her gaze away from Steven, unable to stand looking at him any longer. “I really wanted to be there for you,” Amethyst’s voice wavered. She tried to hold back her dam of confused emotions as her arms stiffened. “I don’t care what Connie said about you being a mix of not-really human and weird gem leftovers. I miss you a lot, man. I just… I just want _my_ Steven back.”

Her turned back couldn’t see Steven’s fingers twitch.

* * *

Connie and Greg ascended through the temple at an active pace. Greg was past his physical prime and the continuous running had taken a toll on him, but he channeled his worry for Steven to encourage his legs to move forward. Thankfully, the path that Garnet had taken them through was relatively straightforward and safe for humans to use.

“Connie, has Steven told you anything recently?” Greg cautiously began.

“The last time we talked was in the hospital,” Connie said. “He hasn’t really wanted to open up to me since he proposed.”

“Right, I don’t think he knows that that’s not a normal thing to do at your age.” Greg said with a nervous laugh. “Sorry. That might be my fault.”

Connie was surprised by that. Steven never really talked about his parents to her but she had always assumed that he was close to his father.

“What makes you say that?” She asked.

“The day before Steven ran off, I took him to my parents’ place. He seemed confused, and I thought that if I showed him how I discovered myself that it’d help him. It turns out that I was the one who needed to learn something. Did you hear about the van?” Greg said. He emanated regret.

“No, did something happen to it?” Connie replied, worried. Steven had grown up in that van and Greg needed it for his tours.

“I let Steven take the wheel and he crashed the van,” Greg said. Sensing Connie’s alarm, he continued. “Neither of us got hurt. He lost control of the wheel when he told me off about not having a normal human life. I’ve always wanted to give him the life that I never had. I thought that it was cool that he got to be involved in all this gem stuff, so I didn’t want him to hold him back by making him do things he didn’t want to do. I wanted him to be free.

“But maybe I’ve been going about this in the wrong way,” Greg kept going as Connie listened. “Maybe what he really needed all this time was more structure. I should’ve at least let him stay where I could watch him, or sent him to school instead of letting the gems almost get him killed. Maybe I should’ve apologized instead of telling him that I was proud that he was angry at me.”

Connie chose her words carefully. “It’s not all bad. If you hadn’t let him stay with the gems the world would’ve ended multiple times over.”

“I know that. But at a point I feel like it shouldn’t have been his responsibility. He hadn’t even finished going through puberty when all that stuff happened. Heck, neither of you are grown ups yet,” Greg said.

Connie had no response. She never once regretted having met Steven. She’d never have learned to stand up for herself or wield a sword if she hadn’t met him. But she couldn’t deny that most of her trauma was associated with him. She was trapped in a bubble with him at the bottom of the ocean when they barely knew each other, Pearl temporarily convinced her to value her life less than his, and she was almost kidnapped and sent to space because of him.

But at the end of the day, she could always go back to her parents. As a pediatrician, her mom was especially careful to communicate with Connie and make sure that she had a loving home to come back to. Connie now realized that Steven never had such stability. For how much she used to dislike how strict her parents were, she was grateful that they kept her in touch with her human life.

She also wondered if she had done a good enough job of explaining what happened in White Diamond’s ship. The Greg and the gems seemed horrified; anyone would be, given what she had just told them. Amethyst and Pearl had seemed more interested in what Steven’s gem had done, neglecting to ask about what his human half was doing in the meantime. To be honest, neither the gem nor the human parts of Steven really seemed to be “Steven” to her. Why would they be more interested in one half or the other?

They arrived at the kitchen to find Pearl sifting through the cabinets. Connie, amazed at how quickly she had managed to clean the bathroom, tried to catch Pearl’s attention.

“Pearl!” Connie called out.

The pale gem jumped in surprise. She dropped the jar that she was holding, but managed to save it with a swipe of her arm before it impacted the counter. She turned to the two humans as they stepped past the warp pad and made their way toward the kitchen.

“What are you guys doing here?” Pearl said. She still sounded a bit shaken.

“I’m going to make some hot dogs for Steven. We thought he’ll be hungry when he wakes up. They’re pretty quick and easy,” Greg said.

“I hadn’t thought of that,” Pearl said. She was pleasantly surprised that it was Greg who was responsible for the food and not Amethyst, who undoubtedly would have whipped up some bizarre concoction of ice cream and gasoline.

He grabbed a pan off of the stove and started to fill it with water. Connie watched Pearl stack four jars on the counter while she waited for Greg to cook the hot dogs.

“What do you need those jars for?” Connie said.

“I wanted to save some of the water from the tub. Steven wasn’t very careful with the diamond essences, so there isn’t any left in the bottles. I thought it might be good to have some just in case,” Pearl said. She closed the cabinet and hoisted the jars into her arms.

“That’s a good idea,” Connie agreed. “Do you need help?”

“Thanks, but I think I’ll be fine for now. Make sure Steven gets what he needs, okay?” Pearl said, returning to the bathroom.

A part of Connie wanted to ask Pearl if she could see Jasper, but she decided against it. Pearl had probably already put the remains somewhere safe and it seemed like a strange thing to ask, especially when they needed to focus on getting back to Steven. Maybe she’d ask him what a shattered gem looked like when this whole thing blew over.

Steven didn’t seem like he’d be okay anytime soon, though. Her mother had told her that the trauma from his childhood was starting to catch up to him and that he urgently needed to see a therapist. It’d probably be a few months at best before she could ask. If he even wanted to talk to her by then.

“They’re just about done!” Greg said, turning off the stove and pulling the hot dogs onto a paper towel. “I couldn’t find any ketchup so I guess he’ll just have to eat them plain.”

“I can get the water,” Connie suggested. She opened the fridge and pulled out two bottles of water.

“Thanks, Connie. Are you ready to head out, then? Or in, I guess,” Greg said. He placed two sliced hot dog buns on a plate and assembled the hot dogs.

“Yeah. Pearl, do you want to come back down with us?” Connie yelled, facing the bathroom. She could easily hear Pearl’s steps through the open door.

“I’m coming!” Pearl yelled back, exiting the bathroom. “I’m keeping one of the jars in my gem just in case. I left the rest near the sink.”

“Alright, looks like we’re all set then. Come on, Steven’s waiting for us,” Connie said, hoping that Steven wouldn’t need the diamond bath water.

Pearl led the way as they started back toward the depths of the temple. Connie couldn’t tell if she wanted Steven to be awake or if she wanted him to still be unconscious so she could be there when he woke up. If his mind didn’t try to protect itself by giving him amnesia, he would probably be terrified when he woke up. She wasn’t sure if it would be good to have a lot of people there when it happened or only one person.

“Is Steven doing any better?” Pearl asked with a hint of worry in her voice.

“Nothing’s really changed. Amethyst stayed behind to look after him, though, so he’s probably fine,” Connie said. She could tell that Pearl was also considering if she should be there when he woke up.

“Humans can’t sleep forever, can they?” Pearl wondered out loud. “And gems don’t sleep naturally, so I don’t think he’d be pulled into a coma by—”

One of the panels on the wall abruptly slid upward. Garnet came barreling out, crashing into a shrieking Pearl and nearly taking down Connie in the process. Greg nearly dropped the plate in shock, grateful that he had been keeping it steady with both hands.

“Pearl! Are you okay?” Garnet said, gauntlets drawn in surprise.

“Physically, yes,” Pearl groaned. Garnet dematerialized her gauntlets and helped Pearl back onto her feet.

“Garnet! What are you doing here?” Connie said. She regained her balance.

“Sorry, I panicked and ran off earlier,” Garnet replied evenly. “Is Steven alone?”

“No, we left him with Amethyst,” Greg said. “Connie thought it might be a good idea for us to get something ready for him for when he wakes up.”

“Yeah, we don’t know if he’ll be hungry. He should probably have a drink at least,” Connie added on. She nodded toward the water bottles she was carrying.

“We can explain more on the way. Let’s just get back,” Pearl huffed, brushing herself off.

The four hurried their way down the path. Again, Pearl was relieved that she had gone to clean up the bathroom while leaving Amethyst with Steven. Steven always seemed to be the most comfortable talking to Amethyst compared to Garnet and herself, who were more like mothers to him. Not to say that he didn’t love all of them equally, but she understood that some secrets were kept between the two that she would never know. Pearl could clearly imagine the two talking out what happened by the time they got back. The dim red light from the room shone through the hallway as they rounded the corner.

“Amethyst!” Pearl called out. “Has Steven woken up yet?”

Instead, Pearl saw Amethyst’s gem floating slightly above the ground, encased in a rose pink bubble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I an idiot or does Steven's bathroom not have a light switch? I can't find it anywhere.


	4. Nightmare Ring

“DO IT!”

“NO! I don’t want to hurt you!”

“Are you so worthless that you can’t be bothered to finish what you start?”

“I’ve already told you that don’t want to, Jasper!” Steven desperately continued to shout back.

Jasper was splayed out in a pool of blood a few feet away from him. One of her legs carried multiple deep lacerations while the other was torn cleanly off from the knee down, preventing her from standing. The lighthouse behind him beamed an intense spotlight down on the two of them. Steven’s teeth chattered as the frigid rain pounded down on him, growing heavier by the second.

“I can heal you. Please… just let me help you,” Steven approached the near-corpse in front of him.

“You can’t even help yourself! You’ve never helped yourself, and you got yourself into this situation” Jasper struggled to lift her head.

Steven couldn’t quite remember how she had gotten to be that way in the first place. Only flashes of frustration, of her continued refusal to accept his help and bludgeoning and relentless self-loathing. Jasper’s mangled arms reached out as she dug her fingers into the dirt, pulling her disobedient body forward.

“I can’t lose you, too,” Steven pleaded. Tears slid down his face.

“Don’t be so pathetic,” Jasper weakly gurgled through the blood and bile pooling out of her throat. Her voice barely traveled through the blustery weather.

Steven was struck by a sudden realization. _Gems can’t bleed._ _None of this makes sense. Jasper wouldn’t come near Beach City if her life depended on it. This is a dream!_ Steven sighed in relief. Just another strange dream. It was a far departure from his usual nightmare. The one where he had to watch his friends and family celebrate in his house without him before he plummeted through the boardwalk. Thankfully, his lucidity signaled that this equally terrible dream would end soon. As Steven pushed against the boundaries of his mind, looking for a way out, he froze.

 _Jasper’s dead._ Steven couldn’t tell if the blood was rushing through his body too quickly or if he couldn’t feel his pulse at all. _She’s dead. This is a dream and it can’t be real because I’ve already killed her._ His heart was ripping itself apart. He felt the gut-wrenching feeling that ambushes you a week after something horrible has happened. When the tragedy just begins to loosen its grip on your mind—when you’ve finally scrabbled together the ability to feel some semblance of joy, and for one sweet instant are able to think of something other than the moment your life was destroyed—just to have the memory crash back down on you with full force.

 _What is wrong with me? Am I so messed up that I’d rather fantasize about abusing her than come to terms with what I did?_ He rattled the bars of his mental cage once more, increasingly frantic. A twinge of pain shot through his gut. As much as he wanted to live in a reality where Jasper was still alive, knowing that this was a farce only made seeing her bloodied body more disturbing. His panic should have long since ripped him out of his dream. Why couldn’t he wake up?

“I’ve already told you, runt,” Jasper spat. “If you want out, you have to finish the job.”

Steven ignored her, overcome with guilt. He couldn’t stand seeing Jasper die once more as she continued to reject his help. But this Jasper was merely some demented part of his subconscious that he could afford to leave behind. He turned away from her to run off the cliff, to find somewhere that he could gather his bearings and find a way out of this nightmare. As he did so, he found that a thick, dark fog had surrounded the two of them. It was so heavily condensed that he struggled to move, let alone breathe.

“STOP RUNNING AWAY!” Jasper yanked at his attention once more.

“Y-you’re the one who kept running away from me!” Steven choked out.

“Then stop chasing others and do something for yourself for once! Or do you not know how?” Jasper said, clearly struggling to harness the last of her energy.

 _I don’t know how._ Pins and needles ran down his neck as the dark fog overcame his vision. The ringing in his ears intensified to a deafening roar. He tried to reach toward Jasper’s vanishing form but found himself completely paralyzed, unable to force his legs to move through what felt like a thick sludge. _Is this what it feels like to die?_ The crushing weight on his chest continued to deprive him of his breath. _Is this what Jasper felt like when I killed her? Oh God, I don’t want to die but I didn’t give her mercy when she told me to stop so why should I—_

“Dude, calm down!”

Steven’s eyes snapped open to see Amethyst leaning over him. She wore an equally concerned and startled expression. He hadn’t realized that he had started to wildly flail his legs.

“Just stop moving. For your own sake,” Amethyst said.

“Amethyst? What happened? Where am I?” Steven interrogated.

“Doesn’t matter,” Amethyst said. Her surprise was quickly being replaced by relief. “Are you okay?”

Evidently, he wasn’t. Steven’s movements picked up upon noticing that he was trapped under a net. As he bucked against his restraints, he could hear the crackling electricity become fiercer. The inability to move made reality feel like a vivid continuation to his nightmare.

“Yo, I told you to stop! I can explain—” Amethyst reached out to Steven.

Amethyst was cut short by a scream of excruciating pain. The net had just attempted to subdue its flailing captive with an electric shock. She put up her arms to shield her eyes from the bright of light that poured out in front of her. The last thing she would remember is barely making out Steven’s violently jerking body, then being thrown across the room alongside the net by a shockwave of pink energy.

Steven pushed himself upright with his shaking arms. The pain and his immobility were finally gone. He briefly relished the feeling of being in control of his body, but his relief was snatched away by the realization that Amethyst was gone.

“Amethyst!” Steven called out as his heart sank. He could already sense what he had done to her.

He dragged himself to his feet and sprinted toward to purple glint on the other side of the room. _No no no no no. Did I just, I already hurt Jasper, but this is Amethyst, AMETHYST!_ This had to be a nightmare. Despite what his physical senses told him, this _had_ to be another nightmare. Jasper had never been the kindest to him, not that it excused what he had done. But Amethyst was his family. If she went down, all of the secrets that he had only trusted with her would die as well.

Adrenaline flushed back out of his body as Amethyst’s intact gem came into view. _Thank God. This must be the only good thing that’s happened to me in the past… however long it’s been._ Amethyst would reform soon, and she would undoubtedly be angry at him. Angry for murdering her sister, then having the nerve to nearly do the same to her. As Steven panicked, a part of him couldn’t help but wryly marvel at the situation. _I’m relieved that I poofed her instead of shattering her. Man, I really am that far gone._

After spitting on her gem for good measure, Steven encased her in a bubble to prevent her from following him out of the room. _Better safe than sorry. I don’t know if I did internal damage to her._ He meant physical damage, of course. He was sure that he had emotionally scarred her. He was both alarmed and morbidly amused at the number of sins he had managed to rack up in such a short span of time. For now, Steven decided to focus on getting out of the Temple.

 _Or at least I think this is the Temple._ Steven looked around at his surroundings. _Yes, this is definitely in the Temple. I think I’ve been here before. Garnet took me here once after a mission._ Garnet. Her and Pearl were probably just as distraught as Amethyst, and he was sure that they would be back soon. With one last second of hesitation, he started out the only entrance.

Steven vaguely recognized the corridor he was running down. _I begged Garnet to take me here. She showed me so much cool stuff. I got her to take me back to that room a few times because we had so much fun._ He could feel the tears threatening to well up once more. He kept wanting to run to her and ask what he should do. _I’m a shatterer now. I guess I never really appreciated her advice until I couldn’t get it._ Garnet, or any of the other Crystal Gems for that matter, would never accept him back. The enormous pain he felt at that thought made him re-repress his childhood memories.

The sound of many rapidly approaching footsteps caused him to skid to a halt. _It must be Garnet and Pearl. Hold on. Do I hear… Connie? And Dad? I… I haven’t even thought of them!_ Steven felt an overwhelming sickness spread through his body. Humans generally had a much stronger grasp of mortality than the gems did. Death felt like so much more of a finality for humans. To cut short the limited lifespan of a person—not even in an act of self-defense—seemed to irredeemably taint the soul. And Steven had done it to Jasper without a second thought.

He tried to ignore the throbbing pain in his stomach. The right thing to do would be to walk up to them, come clean with what he had done, and fully accept whatever consequences may come. _Holy fucking shit. Can you imagine how that’d go? Hey Connie, hey dad! Remember when I told you guys about how the Cluster gems were broken beyond repair? Well, I did that to Jasper! She was trying to teach me something, but I went too far and killed her. Sorry!_

 _I can’t see them right now._ Steven felt ashamed. _I really can’t handle it. The gems are one thing, but if I tell Connie and Dad that I murdered her then I’d…_ Each time he thought he had finally hit the human limit for guilt, the next moment would disprove him. Steven couldn’t fathom how he would react emotionally from seeing Connie and Greg’s reactions. But he sure knew what he had just done to Amethyst. _I don’t deserve any kindness for what I’ve done. If I see them now, though, I’ll hurt them even worse._

 _I have to GET OUT._ As thoughts of escape permeated every corner of his mind, a memory bubbled its way up through his subconscious.

* * *

Garnet and a much younger Steven walked side by side down the corridor. The ceiling was just high enough to fit the tall gem, but it was wide enough for them to be able to comfortably stand next to each other. Decorated stone panels were embedded in the walls and stretched the length between the ceiling and the floor. Thin, multicolored pillars separated the panels, calmly pulsing with energy supplied by the Crystal Heart.

Garnet carried a dense, reflective box in her hands. They had retrieved the artifact on a mission through the jungle. Steven had almost gotten lost, but Pearl’s worried screaming let him find his way back. He felt good about today’s mission. He had single-handedly found the artifact by tripping on it on the way back.

“Where are we going?” Steven questioned.

“Back to the artifact room. Don’t you remember? This is the path we took last time,” Garnet smiled back at him.

Steven glanced around. Although the Temple’s massive interior had many varied hallways, some looked similar and it was difficult to tell which way they were going at any given point in time.

“How can you tell?” Steven said.

“If you come here enough times, you’ll see,” Garnet said. She adjusted the box in her arms.

“I bet you’re cheating because you have future vision,” Steven probed. “I bet you see all the futures from walking down each wrong path.”

“Amethyst and Pearl don’t have trouble getting around, either,” Garnet chuckled.

Steven wilted in disappointment. “Aww… I never though being a Crystal Gem meant learning so many directions.”

“You will learn eventually. I have a trick for you in case you ever get lost in the meantime,” Garnet said.

“Really?” Steven bounced. “What’re you waiting for? Tell me in case I get lost now!”

Garnet smiled at him again. “You see those panels on the walls? If you see one surrounded by your color—pink, for you—then you can press it and it will open. If you wish hard enough, you’ll be taken to your room in the Temple.”

“So it’s like a secret rock slide?” Steven was in awe. “I’m going to get lost now so I can try it!”

* * *

Conveniently, a wall panel surrounded by two pink pillars was just to his left. Steven immediately pressed the panel. As much as they hurt, for once he thanked that his happier memories often forced their way into his awareness when he was stressed out. He was also thankful that the corridor conducted echoes so well. He would be able to escape before the others rounded the corner.

The panel slid upwards, revealing a winding tunnel. Steven hoisted himself into the darkness, sliding the panel closed behind him. He winced at the twinge of pain in his gut as he sat down. As he heard the footsteps rush past him through the wall, he briefly considered flinging the panel back open and calling out to them.

 _And say what?_ He set aside his better judgement and pushed himself off, sliding down the tunnel to Rose’s room. _I bet Garnet didn’t predict that I’d be using her trick for something like this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I know how I want to end this.


	5. Disappearing

Pearl was no stranger to temporarily disappearing. It had happened to her many times in the past, especially during the Gem War, partly due to her own recklessness and mostly because of her physical fragility. She never liked the feeling of being poofed. But watching her friends suffer that fate made her more uncomfortable than losing her own form. Even if she could usually get their gems to safety, there was something jarring about the knowledge that someone close to her had suddenly been ripped from existence.

Amethyst was one of the most sturdy gems she knew. Pearl felt that Amethyst never gave herself enough credit for her physical resilience. It took substantial damage to her gem to incapacitate her and she could rematerialize within seconds of losing her form, if necessary. Watching Amethyst get herself into trouble, poofing herself as often did, and watching her spring right back up like a dandelion was somewhat endearing. Pearl never feared losing Amethyst. If something bad enough happened to take Amethyst out, Pearl knew that she would likely also be gone for good.

Seeing Amethyst trapped in a bubble as Pearl herself stood perfectly safe gnawed away at this rare security in her life. The color of the bubble instantly sprung into the forefront of her mind. First Jasper, and now Amethyst. She had noticed that Steven had been avoiding her as of late, but she thought it was because he was busy. How much had changed within him since they last talked?

People changed, but this was more of a rapid decline in his mental health than personal development. Pearl was scared for Steven. Apparently, the sick discomfort that came from looking at Amethyst’s gem, of someone technically being there but unreachable, wasn’t limited to watching someone poof.

“AMETHYST!” Pearl sprinted to the bubble.

Garnet beat Pearl to the punch. She picked up the bubble and briefly examined Amethyst’s gem. “She looks alright. Let’s get her out of there,” Garnet sighed. Her relief was palpable.

The bubbled popped with firm pressure from Garnet’s fingers. Before her gem could fall into Garnet’s hands, it floated upward and started to glow.

“That’s fast. Even for her,” Garnet said. The concern was creeping back into her voice.

So fast, in fact, that the glowing light did not cycle through any of Amethyst’s previous forms. She fell to the ground wearing the exact same outfit, with her arm held upward in the exact same position that she last existed in. Pearl winced at the thud created from Amethyst slamming into the stone floor.

“YO! I told you to—” Amethyst looked up. “Wait, where’s Steven? He was just here!” She looked back down at her slimy gem and groaned, brushing herself off. “Ew, why am I covered in his slop?”

“Amethyst, when were you poofed? What happened?” Pearl fired questions at her.

“How am I supposed to know that? Steven got up—” Amethyst tried to tackle the questions one at a time, only to be interrupted.

“I’m glad you’re back,” Garnet said. She’d take any good news she could. “Are you alright?”

Amethyst turned to Garnet. “Well… yeah, I guess so. But I’m worried about—”

Greg and Connie, who had only just understood what had happened, approached Amethyst as well.

“Wait, Steven woke up?” Greg panicked, slumping over ever so slightly. The constant anxiety was starting to take a toll on his wellbeing.

“Yeah, but—”

“Where’d he go? Was he feeling okay?” Connie interjected. She needed as much information as possible.

“GUYS! Let me talk,” Amethyst burst out. She relaxed as the others quieted themselves. They had realized that they were preventing her from explaining. “Yeah. So Steven was kicking around a lot, like he was having a bad dream. I tried to get him up and he freaked out. And I mean FREAKED. He tore through that net, AND me while he was at it. I told y’all that the net wasn’t a great idea!”

“It sounds like he was really scared,” Connie said. She acknowledged Amethyst’s nod with a nod of her own. “Did he recognize you?”

“That’s the problem,” Amethyst said. She was starting to process her interaction with Steven. “He did. But he was still scared. I don’t really know what he was afraid of.” Amethyst mentally kicked herself. Out of all of them, she was supposed to be the one who could have handled it the best. Didn’t he know that she was there for him?

Meanwhile, Greg began muttering to himself. He gripped his graying hairs and looked down, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. His grief collected in his throat and dripped out of his voice. “Our boy, Rose… how could it have come to this? Why are you running from us, Steven? Don’t you trust me?”

Connie tried to ignore Greg. She was also close to Steven, but she knew that she couldn’t understand how Greg must feel as a parent. “We need to find him, and fast.” One disaster at a time. Of which Steven was the most urgent.

“Great idea, Connie. We need to sit down and have a talk together,” Garnet said. She desperately wanted—needed—to talk to him. Maybe this is how Steven felt every time they told him that they were too busy with missions. Maybe there was a reason that Steven didn’t like to open up to them. If this was a punishment for all the times she brushed him off, Garnet sure felt that she deserved it. But Ruby and Sapphire could wallow in guilt after they found Steven. “He couldn’t have gone far. Amethyst, Pearl, let’s search the Temple together.”

Pearl, who had remained quiet, found her voice as Garnet started back toward the entrance. She slowly voiced her opinion. “Actually, I think it’d be better if I stuck with Connie and Greg. It might not be safe.”

“Don’t worry about us. The Temple’s dangerous but we know the way out. We got out by ourselves just a few minutes ago, right?” Connie replied.

Pearl shook her head. “That’s not what I mean. I was thinking… if you two did happen to find Steven by yourselves and he was…” Pearl trailed off, not wanting to continue her train of thought.

She didn’t need to finish. All of them knew what she was thinking.

* * *

A hatch materialized in Rose’s room, seemly unconnected to any surface. Steven sprung out of the impossibly floating hatch and gently floated to the layer of clouds that comprised the floor. Finally, he had the chance to gather his wits.

Steven’s heart hammered. _Nobody can follow me here._ _This is the one place that I’m sure that I can be alone with my thoughts._ He looked down at his trembling hands, slowly opening and closing his palms. The pins and needles hadn’t fully subsided ever since he woke up from his dream. His hands felt cold, and they were starting to lose feeling.

* * *

“Pretty good, aren’t I?” Steven panted. He was floating in midair, swathed in a glow of furious pink energy.

He raised his hands to brush the hair out of his eyes. He was grateful for the cool weather when the rain wasn’t so heavy. Now, it only made his clothing cling to his swollen arms and his hair stick to his unshaven face.

“Right, Jasper? I can be strong when I want to be,” Steven floated lower to the ground. His massive release of energy had briefly filled him with excitement, but it was starting to drain in favor of the emptiness that had been bothering him for the past few days.

“Jasper?” Steven questioned, drifting still lower. Why wasn’t she answering him?

Steven gritted his teeth, annoyed. _You’re the one who told me to be strong. You’re the one who kept yelling at me to use my full strength. Now that I’ve given you what you want, why are you being so quiet?_ He was satisfied at himself for doing this, at least. Surely, she would be impressed at his display of strength. Jasper had to be happy for herself. Happy for him.

A massive cloud of dirt billowed out from where he had thrown his pink wall of spikes. The heavy rain and wind forced the dirt to settle much quicker than it would have under any other kind of weather. A massive crater revealed itself, lined with the ends of splintered trees and shattered boulders. Half of the hillside that Jasper had landed in had been utterly decimated. The only movement in the usually vibrant forest came from mud sagging down the sides of the crater and the occasional gust of wind.

 _Geez, I really did a number on this place._ Steven was once more annoyed as guilt began crawling back into his heart. Training with Jasper was supposed to make him feel better. For all the times he helped everyone else, he deserved this, if only just this once. _Everyone’s allowed to let off some steam when they really need to. I should be able to do what I want sometimes._

Steven scoured the crater, puzzled. Even at night, it was easy to spot Jasper’s vivid orange skin against the browns and greens of the forest. Had she run off somewhere to prepare a surprise attack? _That’s not her style. Jasper always told me that fighting head on was the right way. She has her values as a warrior. Jasper always likes a fair fight, and jumping someone isn’t her definition of fair._

A glint in the center of the crater made his breath catch in his throat. The most likely possibility settled in his mind. _I must’ve poofed her. Jasper’ll be happy when she wakes up. It takes a lot to poof her, and I did it fair and square._ Steven couldn’t find it in him to be happy, though. From what he heard, being poofed hurt quite a bit. _Why am I not happy? I made her proud, and it’s not like this is something I can’t fix._

As he neared Jasper, ready to provide first aid, he noticed that there were two glints. Three. The orange was all over the place, spread out across a much larger area than it should have been. _Why are there so many… No. It can’t be._ Steven mentally cried at himself to back off, but his legs carried him faster and faster. His stomach dropped straight out of his body as the shattered remains of Jasper came into view. _This can’t be happening._

His arms jerked uncontrollably and he reached down to touch the piece closest to him. It was partially buried in the mud. Steven screamed as his finger was pricked by the unnaturally jagged edge of the gem fragment. Jasper was gone.

* * *

Steven suspected that the shaking hadn’t stopped since then. The weakness in his legs while he ran, the incredible weight of his hands as he held Jasper’s remains in the bath tub. Combined with his incessant stomach pains, which had only worsened since he entered the room, perhaps he was finally giving out. Thoughts of death creeped down Steven’ neck. The death of Jasper, of his own body, of his entire life and everyone he ever cared about.

Logically, though, he was safe here. He wasn’t sure why his extreme physical reactions failed to subside. Sure, he had nonchalantly committed an unforgivable crime that went against every moral fiber of his being. Then he had gone on to nearly do the same to Amethyst, and had willfully ran away from his family even after that. Regardless, he was completely isolated here, giving him peace of body and mind. A chance to think about his next course of action.

But what was there to think about? _I can make whatever excuses I want. I can explain it to them however I want. At the end of the day, they have to face the fact that she’s dead and it’s all my fault. My old life is gone. All for one stupid mistake. I shouldn’t have gone to train with Jasper. She’s terrible at dealing with her own issues, so why did I think that she could help me?_

 _That’s… also true about me though. God, I’m a hypocrite._ Every action he took in the past few hours was morally wrong some way or another. It was wrong that he murdered her, wrong the ran off and locked himself up, wrong that he’d even entertain the fact that this might’ve been anyone’s fault but his own. _Why didn’t I realize sooner? I can’t help myself. If Jasper’s taught me anything, it’s that I’ve never been good at helping anyone at all. So what am I good for?_

Great. Now he was stewing in self-pity. _Lying or running away will only make me feel more guilty. Confessing might as well be ending my life. Every possible choice hurts. Why does everything I do have to hurt?_ There was quite literally nothing he could do to salvage the situation; he couldn’t even find solace in his sleep. _I know I don’t deserve it, but I just want to one last chance to catch my breath before my life as I know it disappears forever. I just want to see them again. Jasper. The Gems, Dad, Connie—everyone. Just one last time so I can properly say goodbye._

A loud pop made Steven jump. Since he was in Rose’s Room, the sound shouldn’t have surprised him as much as it did. The clouds made all sorts of interesting noises when they rearranged themselves to his desires. The room had an inexplicable way of understanding his intentions (he wouldn’t be surprised if it could read his mind somehow) but it had never made anything without explicitly being asked to.

“Uh, Room, I never asked for—” Steven intended to search where the noise had come from. He immediately fell silent as he turned to look at what, or rather who, had been created.

The ones that he knew were looking for him—Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Connie, and Greg—stood around him in a rough semicircle. Steven stared and they stared back. They stared and stared. They seemed to be staring through him rather than at him, or at something moderately interesting in his general vicinity. The fact that they were standing still wasn’t as unnerving as the fact that their expressions were completely vacant.

“Room, this isn’t helping. I didn’t ask for this,” Steven said. He was, at some level, pleasantly surprised that the situation unsettled him. Being unsettled was the normal, healthy reaction to being surrounded by the emotionless clones of your loved ones. Given all that had happened in the last few hours, the fact that he could still formulate any kind of proper emotional response was a miracle.

They continued to stare. “Please, Room. I really don’t need this right now,” Steven quavered.

The five faces staring at him simultaneously broke out into smiles as they slowly started to walk toward him.

“Steven! Welcome back! We’ve been so worried about you, but we didn’t want to bother you,” Pearl gushed. He could almost believe that she was the real thing. Almost.

“Room, I told you to stop it!” Steven hissed.

“I brought you a donut, Schtu-ball. Why don’t you have a snack and take a break?” Greg said, holding out a paper bag. There was something off about their voices that Steven couldn’t place.

“Dad? Not you, too!” Steven grew increasingly nervous. He had never lost control of this room before. Creating things in the room was second nature to him. He could do it before he could fully control his bubbles, even. Why couldn’t he make it stop?

“Hey Steven! I decided not to go to college. I’m not studying anymore, so I can spend all of my time with you!” Connie said. Her left eye didn’t follow the movements of her other eye.

“Steven, it’d be good if we all sat in a circle and meditated about our feelings,” Garnet said. There was an uncharacteristic giddiness in her voice.

“It’s all good! I’m here for you, even if you murdered my sis!” Amethyst beamed.

“What the hell?” Steven gasped. Yes, there was definitely something wrong with these apparitions. If Connie and Rose were anything to go by, clones of real people were usually based on his knowledge of their personalities. The ones standing before him were almost comical imitations.

Maybe the room was sensing his desire for validation. It was doing the best it could without further direction from its host, but in its struggle to make something coherent its creations fell straight into an uncanny valley. _This place was made for Mom. Do I really have a right to exploit it like this? I’ve spent all my time thinking that she was such a horrible person, only to learn that I’m worse. What am I even doing? Why am I here?_

If the room would torture him with these images against his will, he couldn’t stay here. It only further imprinted upon him the horror of his new life. Fantasizing about second chances, that he had done something different. Wishing that things would just get better. _If I can’t even be here, then the only thing left to do is to come clean._

“Room, I want out! I want to go to the real Beach City,” Steven asserted. The five clones dissipated back into pink clouds.

“Do you know what you want, Steven?” A sixth voice came from behind him.

Steven whipped around to face the voice he had come to grow so familiar with over the past few days. He had learned all of Jasper’s idiosyncrasies. She wasn’t very straightforward with expressing herself, so he had started to pick up on the subtle changes in her voice. Its hoarseness when she was tired and how its pitch changed when she was excited. The way it softened ever so slightly when she thought that he had seriously injured himself. The voice from behind him had none of these things.

“I want it to stop!” Steven closed his eyes. _Not this again._ Dread came over him as the familiar hum of pink energy started to spread through his body.

“What do you want?” Jasper pushed. The room needed more to go off of. After all, it only wanted to make Steven happy, but he wasn’t doing a good job of telling it what it sensed that he wanted.

“I said, I want it to STOP! I want to leave!” Steven shouted. A ring of energy shot off of his gem, slamming into the fake Jasper.

“Again?” Her voice faded. Left with no other options, the room materialized a door to the outside world in an attempt to appease its owner.

Steven leapt toward the door, trying to escape as fast as he could. There was no telling what more the room would dig out of his subconscious, and the thought of a repeat of his nightmare was enough to make him never want to come back again. _I can’t bear to see Jasper again. If I’m going to end up hurting her every chance I get, I might as well never think of her again at all._

He tumbled out of the Temple and collided with the warp pad. He groaned, clutching his throbbing head. He sat up and lifted himself up, only to find Connie, Pearl, and Greg staring at him with shock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments. I make sure to read all of them, even if I don't reply.


End file.
